Monday, July 9, 2012

50 Shades of Lame

Everyone is talking about the book series, "50 Shades of Grey."  Mostly females, of course.  I've seen the media dub these books as "mommy porn" and I've also read that these books are opening up the conversation about S&M and helping women to open up and explore their sexuality.

I'm like... "What??"

Now, I felt the need to read these books for research.  Seriously.  I work for an event production company and one of our clients wanted to do a theme that was based off of these books.  (Obviously not to recreate the "Playroom" but they apparently thought a party theme based on this was going to be "edgy."  What the fuck does edgy really mean, anyway??)  So I felt obligated to read as much of the books as I could.  Honestly, I did read the first two books but the third one has been so utterly ridiculous/painful to read that I haven't made it all the way to the end.  Someday I do hope to read it all, but the third book (50 Shades Freed) sucks so much.  It's like an entirely different story, it's some nonsensical "Oh some people are trying to get us/split us up/kidnap me" mystery fiction bullshit.  Don't get me wrong - I love a good mystery.  But if I can guess the perp and the motive before the author has even suggested that something is amiss, then it's just not well done.

I digress.  Let's talk about the FIRST book in the series, "50 Shades of Grey."  This book has a kinky factor of maybe 7 out of 10.  If nothing else, it's slightly educational regarding which S&M tools are most commonly used these days.  Personally I didn't know that riding crops were so popular.  Other than that, there is nothing believable about the story whatsoever.  A gorgeous, thin brunette that has zero confidence and self worth, and has never KISSED a GUY??  Or been on a date ever?  And she's about to graduate college?  The premise is totally ridiculous.   

Come on.  If this was realistic, then a girl with no self-worth would have slept with 50 guys by the time she finished freshman year.  Who are we kidding?  lol

Another thing that bothered me the most about ALL of these books was the writing style.  I cannot comprehend why a British "author" would choose to set her story in Washington state, yet she continues to use British colloquialisms all over the place.  I mean, she obviously did EXTENSIVE research on S&M toys, yet somehow missed the boat when it comes to learning how Americans actually talk?  I don't FANCY that, mate!


Things I Learned from Reading the Fifty Shades Series:
  • If you've never dated a guy before, try to date a multimillionaire stalker who will manipulate you into doing really kinky shit that you never would have imagined.  Then you will never have to think for yourself again!
  • Riding Crops = Good.  Canes = Bad.
  • "Vanilla sex" can be fun... but only sometimes.
  • Oh yes... a helicopter can and WILL be sabotaged by an angry ex-boss.
  • All submissives should drive Audi's.
  • People still take time to write witty Re: subject lines in emails, as well as clever little signatures at the end of their emails.  Riiiiight....
  • There are still some college graduates out there who don't know how to use a Mac computer.
  • It's cool to go to your boyfriend's parents' party with heavy metal balls shoved up your vag.
  • Feel extremely threatened by a woman your fiance hooked up with over 10 years ago and is now just a business partner.  Feel pity for your fiance's psycho and more recent ex, who broke into your apartment and is holding a gun.  (Priorities!!)
  • Found a box of photos of your lover's ex-submissives, all tied up with who-knows what else might be going on in the picture?  Cool.  Don't get mad about it, just ask him to take pictures of you like that too so he can add you to the box.

Monday, August 1, 2011

It's Girlfriends Day!

Men around the world might be thinking, “As if Valentine’s Day wasn’t enough…”  Today is Girlfriend’s Day!  I say, why not?  Married women get a wedding anniversary.  (Although my boyfriend and I celebrate an anniversary of our first date every year.)  Well, girlfriends can never have too much attention!
This made-up holiday (who makes these things up anyway?) isn’t limited to the boyfriend-girlfriend-couples genre.  It is also intended for celebrating girls that are friends!  I found a website that lists a bunch of ways girlfriends can enjoy this holiday together:

SheKnows.com – National Girlfriends Day

It’s pretty stereotypical if you ask me.  There is one suggestion that I do like – donating clothes.  Girlfriends share clothes all the time!  Why not share some of your least-used tops with the less fortunate?  I’m all for helping the needy.  They need it!  :)
Personally, what I plan to do is leave facebook messages/blog comments/etc. for my female friends, to at least make them AWARE of this festive day!  Most likely, nobody’s heard of it.
Why are there so many of these ridiculous holidays anyway?  I found some great resources with random holidays and such, and I plan to share the best ones with you all, as often as I can!

Friday, June 24, 2011

S'mores Cookie Bars. Holy Freaking Crap.


Warm Toasted Marshmallow S'mores Bars
PREP TIME
20 Min
TOTAL TIME
55 Min
SERVINGS
24

INGREDIENTS

1pouch (1 lb 1.5 oz) Betty Crocker® sugar cookie mix
1cup graham cracker crumbs
1cup butter or margarine, melted
3cups milk chocolate chips (18 oz)
4 1/2cups miniature marshmallows
  1. 1Heat oven to 375°F. In large bowl, stir together cookie mix and crumbs. Stir in melted butter until soft dough forms. Press into ungreased 13x9-inch pan.
  2. 2Bake 18 to 20 minutes or until set. Immediately sprinkle chocolate chips over crust. Let stand 3 to 5 minutes or until chocolate begins to melt. Spread chocolate evenly over crust.
  3. 3Set oven control to broil. Sprinkle marshmallows over melted chocolate. Broil with top 5 to 6 inches from heat 20 to 30 seconds or until marshmallows are toasted. (Watch closely; marshmallows will brown quickly.) Cool 10 minutes. For bars, cut into 6 rows by 4 rows. Serve warm. Store any remaining bars tightly covered.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Awesome Recipe! Banana Split Mini Bites

Banana Split Mini Bites

Banana Split Bites ~ A classic ice cream dessert gets mini for some bite size fun. And yes, there is actually a tiny scoop of ice cream tucked inside and underneath the whip cream of  those little darlings.
Banana Split Mini Bites
Banana Split Mini Bites
For once I made something mini for portion control and not just for the cute factor. My little guy had some friends over the other day and of course with a mom who is a baker, the expectation is dessert will not only be good but it will be fun. And I was asked, by friend Caroline, not to let her boys eat too much dessert.
Keeping all things in mind what I served is what you see here. It was a hit!
Here’s what wasn’t a hit and what I learned.
  • Impromptu play dates with four kid’s ages 3-5 year olds after a full work day –not a good idea.
  • Know in advance what other kids will and won’t eat. Hungry kids are cranky kids and some cranky kids bite; so no that is not a new tattoo I’m sporting on my arm.

Luckily, dessert made all things right. The banana split mini bites were fun and having two each seemed to be just enough for each kid.
No recipe just a few notes:
Banana Split Mini Bites How To1 Banana Split Mini Bites
  • Use firm bananas and cut into 1 inch sections. Leave the peel on for easy handling, and with a melon baller, dig a well in the middle of each banana section. 
  • Melt chocolate in the microwave and dip the bottom portion of the banana in chocolate and then dip it once again in either non-pareils or chopped peanuts. To quickly harden the chocolate, place dipped bananas in the freezer for five minutes.
  • Fill each well with ice cream (I filled mine with vanilla chocolate chip) and top with whip cream and a maraschino cherry.  

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Wedding that was *ALMOST* a Disaster!

Congratulations to Melissa and Rosendo Escobar!

Yes, that's right.  My sister finally got married yesterday!  We are all so happy for her.  But I gotta tell you, this wedding almost became a huge disaster for me.  

Last Thursday I went to work as normal.  I decided to try out a new place for lunch.  Ordered an expensive-ass $7 salad with asiago dressing, which I'd never ate before.

Friday morning, I woke up COVERED in hives!  Now, I've gotten hives before but it was never like this.  Usually I'd get like, one or two hives if I was in the sun too long, and only the skin that had been exposed to the direct sunlight would be affected.  This was not the case on Friday morning.  I remember having a really stressful dream about a little boy and a horse drowning in the ocean (don't ask) and I also remember waking up a few times throughout the night, itching myself and wondering if a spider or mosquito had gotten into my bed.  But when I woke up and realized I had hives all over, I started to freak out a bit.

My mom, Rachel and I had to do some last-minute wedding shopping, and we stopped at Target and I got some Benadryl and some anti-itch cream.  Usually that does the trick on my hives.  I took two Benadryls, got all loopy and out of it, slathered on the anti-itch cream and went to bed, hoping for clearer skin in the morning.  

Saturday, I woke up with even MORE hives.  Like, ALL OVER MY FACE!  Now I was really freaking out.  It was the day of the Rehearsal Dinner!  Danny was coming over!  The wedding was the following day!  How the hell was I going to survive the festivities looking like a freakshow??  

I went to my mom, crying and stressing out.  We were supposed to go get manicures and stuff.  Mom suggested that she take me to the Urgent Care Center instead of manicures, but I insisted that I didn't want to miss out on wedding stuff.  So we went to Sue's Nails or whatever, despite me being covering from head to toe in disgusting red puffy blotches.  I felt really bad for my manicurist, but I assured her it was allergies (though I still haven't figured out WHAT I'm allergic to) and she did a lovely job on my nails anyway.

Afterwards, we went to the Urgent Care Center and I finally got to see a doctor.  She seemed to think that I'd been mixing too many vitamin supplements (I'd been feeling sick and coughing cuz my Mom had been sick the week before, so I was taking vitamin C and D pills trying to get well) and told me to stop taking any unnecessary pills.  But to keep taking the Benadryl.  I begged her to give me something to clear up my skin so I could get through the wedding without looking horrible, so I got a temporary prescription for steroids.

An hour later, I got my roids and took em immediately, hoping to look ok for the Rehearsal Dinner.  By the time Danny arrived at my house, my skin was clearing up fairly well.  (Thankfully!  My dress was halter style!)  He barely even believed that I had hives at all.  We went out to dinner and met up with the rest of the family and had a lovely time.  

Sunday, I woke up and the hives were back!!  NOOOOO!!!!!  It was 8am and my legs were super itchy.  I was thankful to not have hives on my FACE like the day before, but I was still uncomfortable and worried about the hives spreading again, so I had my roids and Benadryl cocktail right away.  

Melissa and Rachel getting ready.
We set off for the hair salon to get ready.  I opted to not get my hair done in that half-ponytail because I was worried that I'd need to use my hair to cover any potential blotches on my face.  I did get my makeup done by the professional because well... obviously I might need it.  I put on dark pantyhose and my bridesmaids dress, and Dan and I drove out to the Coral House to start setting up for the wedding.

When we arrived, I was greeted by Sarah, the photographer we'd hired for the wedding.  She and I went to high school together so we are friendly, and the first thing she said to me was, "Don't freak out, but you can't set up for the reception."  Meanwhile I'm carrying a basket of crap I needed to set up, and Dan was hauling a huge 20x30" poster of my sister and my brother-in-law.  

Apparently, Melissa had forgotten to remind me about the fact that there was another cocktail hour scheduled in the room she'd booked, which wasn't going to end until the time when her wedding ceremony was supposed to start.  How was I supposed to set up all this stuff, if I'm supposed to be outside being the Maid of Honor at the same time?  I immediately started taking out my frustration on the poor Coral House staff.  We'd been assigned a Maitre D named Robert, and he tried to calm me down while relaying news like, "the centerpieces haven't been delivered by the florist yet" and "you can't set up for the ceremony either because there's another ceremony going on outside right now."  I wanted to rip his head off.  The most they let me do was put the seating chart and guestbook on a little table that would be wheeled in later.  Oh and they got me the easels I'd requested to display the posters I'd made.  

By this time, the musicians for my Dad's 4-piece band had started arriving and were wanting to know where they were supposed to put their instruments and do a sound check.  I continued to berate poor Robert and demand a place for them to put their stuff.  Robert got a little divider for the room and told the musicians to put their stuff behind it, and assured me that nobody would touch their stuff.  I wasn't pleased but at this point... what could I do?  

My Dad, Rachel and her boyfriend Jesse arrived soon after.  Rachel tried to help me set up, but as we weren't really allowed to do anything, we went up to the bridal suite to wait for Melissa.  Dad stayed downstairs to greet his band mates and the invited guests who had started to trickle in.  By this time, it was about 12:30pm, which was when Melissa was supposed to arrive.

Rachel tells me that she just called Melissa, who was waiting at the house for my mom.  Apparently my Mom was still at the salon, getting her makeup done.  We couldn't understand why it was taking so long, and why they were running so late.  They didn't even leave the house until like 12:45... and the ceremony was supposed to start at 1!  

By 1PM Melissa had hurriedly arrived, and I was running around trying to get the marriage license signed by the witnesses (one of whom was also late) so that the ceremony could actually HAPPEN.  Poor Melissa had to rush and get into her dress and take a few solo portraits before we all went downstairs and headed out to the ceremony site.

I was extremely pleased to see that the ceremony site was all set up, everyone had their wedding programs and bubbles and everything was fine.  This was when I started to calm down.  The string quartet was playing lovely songs and it wasn't too sunny, so I wasn't worried about having a flare up of my hives.  We got into our line-up and Pachelbel's Cannon began to play.  Danny and I walked down the aisle, had a little kiss on the cheek and things began to move a little more quickly then.  

My main concern at this point was to not cry.  I didn't wanna get all emotional infront of everyone, despite how I'd been so stressed out in the days leading up to this event because of my mysterious allergies.  Not to mention the whole fiasco of the morning.  But we all made it through the ceremony without sobbing or ruining makeup.  It was very beautiful and I was really happy for them!

Melissa and Rosendo - MARRIED!
While the rest of the guests went in to the reception (and I had no idea how the room was going to look, since I couldn't set it up or do anything at this point) we stayed and took portraits and stuff.  I am tempted to post some of the pics here on the blog.  Sarah sent me some teaser pics today, like the one I posted above, so I am really excited to see the rest!  Here's a really stupid pic of me and my sisters!

Yeah I'm making a REALLY ATTRACTIVE face.  Wah.
Let's not comment on how Melissa and Rachel look pretty identical and I'm looking the other way, like a brown haired retarded misfit.  Whatever!  At least I don't have any hives in these pictures, right?  That would've been a lot worse.

We finally made it inside, just in time to have a couple of pieces of fruit that remained from the cocktail hour.  The room actually looked very nice.  The floral centerpieces arrived after all, and everything was set up pretty much exactly how I would have wanted it.  I gotta give props to Robert, the Maitre D!  At this point I no longer hated him and was much more agreeable as I continued to bug him the rest of the afternoon to coordinate the rest of the 'events' of the reception.  

The First Dance
The reception was really nice!  Melissa and Rosendo had a lovely first dance, and then she had a Father/Daughter dance.  Even our iPod sound system was running smoothly.  Rachel and I gave a toast to the new couple and I finally got to sit down and actually enjoy myself!

Apparently a mistake had been made when the salads were served.  My family's table was the last to get their salads, and it wasn't the Caesar Salad that we'd ordered.  So everyone else at the party had to eat the weirdo gross looking salad that had been originally brought out, while my family's table got to have the yummy caesar salads that I wanted!  Suckers!  

We did some dancing, ate some AMAZING Chateau-Briand filet mignon or whatever it was (it was freaking sweet!) and had an all around awesome time!  I was so glad that the party went smoothly, everyone had a good time, and I even got Danny to dance the Horah.  Not to mention he and I had some nice romantic slow-dancing too.  It was really fun!  OH and I should mention the very important news regarding the fact that I caught the BOUQUET and apparently will be the next to get married.  We'll see about that...  (but it was fun to beat out all the other single girls on the dance floor!  lol)

So even though I'd almost shown up looking like a blotched freak show, and I couldn't set up anything for the reception beforehand as I'd planned, not to mention the fact that the bride was almost a half hour late to her own wedding, everything worked out!

Anyway...  Congratulations to Melissa and Rosendo!  They are off on their honeymoon in Atlantic City right now.  I should be getting the rest of the wedding photos early next week.  I have to get the disposable cameras developed too.  I can't wait to see everything and put the wedding album together!

Now the only issue is that I still have hives.  They were on my face again today.  WTF???  Sigh.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Been a Busy Bee

Sorry I haven't posted in a while!  Not that anyone's noticed, I'm sure!  Anyway, I've been super busy lately because my sister's wedding is fast approaching and I'm doing a ton of stuff to help her out.

This weekend is the Bridal Shower, so I have been planning what we will do and what we will eat, etc.  It's wayyyyy more work than I thought!  We're doing a Tea Party theme, and I was starting to slightly panic last weekend when I didn't think we had enough tea cups.  Then my mom went to the basement and starting magically producing really pretty tea cups that used to belong to Nana.  This one was my favorite:


I'm calling it "The Queen's Cup" because it has the seal of the Queen of England on it!  The only reason I know that is because of the craziness of the recent Royal Wedding.  I still haven't officially figured out what E II R means but Melissa and I decided it's probably latin for Queen Elizabeth the second or something.  I suppose I could just look it up... meh.

OK so I got the tea cups, now I'm working on the menu for the party this weekend.  I've found some recipes for Finger Sandwiches... half of them do NOT seem palatable.  But I did find some regular Cucumber Sandwich recipes and stuff, so maybe we'll just make one plate of sandwiches and the rest will be cookies and scones lol!  I mean, seriously...  look at this website with the finger sandwiches.  Some of them sound SO NASTY!  High Tea Recipes

Last week I went with my sister and her fiance to do a photo shoot with their photographer.  It was very nice, the photog is a girl I went to high school with and she was super nice and professional!  Now I have to edit up these pics and send some out to be printed so we can display them on a table at the wedding.  I took some photos at the shoot too, just for fun.


We did the shoot at a very pretty gazebo across from the Garden City Hotel.  Doesn't it look lovely?

I just realized I have no idea when my bridesmaid's dress is supposed to be done.  I had it altered so they could add straps - I am NOT dealing with a strapless gown at the wedding.  Screw that!  Speaking of which, I also need to decide on what hairstyle I want to do for the big day.  I really like this style, worn by Dianna Agron from Glee:


I think this style will suit my hair type.  I hope.  It looks really pretty.  I hope I can pull it off!  lol :D

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Bacon, Egg and Toast Cups


From MarthaStewart.com:

Try cooked, crumbled sausage in place of bacon or make a vegetarian version with sauteed spinach. Dress things up with a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese.

  • Prep Time15 minutes
  • Total Time35 minutes
  • YieldMakes 6


Ingredients

  • 3 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
  • 8 slices white or whole-wheat sandwich bread
  • 6 slices bacon
  • 6 large eggs
  • Coarse salt and ground pepper

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Lightly butter 6 standard muffin cups. With a rolling pin, flatten bread slices slightly and, with a 4 1/4-inch cookie cutter, cut into 8 rounds. Cut each round in half, then press 2 halves into each muffin cup, overlapping slightly and making sure bread comes up to edge of cup. Use extra bread to patch any gaps. Brush bread with remaining butter.
  2. In a large skillet, cook bacon over medium, until almost crisp, 4 minutes, flipping once. (It will continue to cook in the oven.) Lay 1 bacon slice in each bread cup and crack an egg over each. Season with salt and pepper. Bake until egg whites are just set, 20 to 25 minutes. Run a small knife around cups to loosen toasts. Serve immediately.

Cook's Note

Standard muffin pans come in 6- or 12-cup size; if baking 6 items in a 12-cup pan, leave empty space in between. Nonstick pans are nice but not essential. Beware of very thin pans, which often lead to burning. Place pans on a baking sheet to make them easier to get in and out of the oven.