50 Shades of Lame

Everyone is talking about the book series, "50 Shades of Grey."  Mostly females, of course.  I've seen the media dub these books as "mommy porn" and I've also read that these books are opening up the conversation about S&M and helping women to open up and explore their sexuality.

I'm like... "What??"

Now, I felt the need to read these books for research.  Seriously.  I work for an event production company and one of our clients wanted to do a theme that was based off of these books.  (Obviously not to recreate the "Playroom" but they apparently thought a party theme based on this was going to be "edgy."  What the fuck does edgy really mean, anyway??)  So I felt obligated to read as much of the books as I could.  Honestly, I did read the first two books but the third one has been so utterly ridiculous/painful to read that I haven't made it all the way to the end.  Someday I do hope to read it all, but the third book (50 Shades Freed) sucks so much.  It's like an entirely different story, it's some nonsensical "Oh some people are trying to get us/split us up/kidnap me" mystery fiction bullshit.  Don't get me wrong - I love a good mystery.  But if I can guess the perp and the motive before the author has even suggested that something is amiss, then it's just not well done.

I digress.  Let's talk about the FIRST book in the series, "50 Shades of Grey."  This book has a kinky factor of maybe 7 out of 10.  If nothing else, it's slightly educational regarding which S&M tools are most commonly used these days.  Personally I didn't know that riding crops were so popular.  Other than that, there is nothing believable about the story whatsoever.  A gorgeous, thin brunette that has zero confidence and self worth, and has never KISSED a GUY??  Or been on a date ever?  And she's about to graduate college?  The premise is totally ridiculous.   

Come on.  If this was realistic, then a girl with no self-worth would have slept with 50 guys by the time she finished freshman year.  Who are we kidding?  lol

Another thing that bothered me the most about ALL of these books was the writing style.  I cannot comprehend why a British "author" would choose to set her story in Washington state, yet she continues to use British colloquialisms all over the place.  I mean, she obviously did EXTENSIVE research on S&M toys, yet somehow missed the boat when it comes to learning how Americans actually talk?  I don't FANCY that, mate!


Things I Learned from Reading the Fifty Shades Series:

• If you've never dated a guy before, try to date a multimillionaire stalker who will manipulate you into doing really kinky shit that you never would have imagined.  Then you will never have to think for yourself again!
• Riding Crops = Good.  Canes = Bad.
• "Vanilla sex" can be fun... but only sometimes.
• Oh yes... a helicopter can and WILL be sabotaged by an angry ex-boss.
• All submissives should drive Audi's.
• People still take time to write witty Re: subject lines in emails, as well as clever little signatures at the end of their emails.  Riiiiight....
• There are still some college graduates out there who don't know how to use a Mac computer.
• It's cool to go to your boyfriend's parents' party with heavy metal balls shoved up your vag.
• Feel extremely threatened by a woman your fiance hooked up with over 10 years ago and is now just a business partner.  Feel pity for your fiance's psycho and more recent ex, who broke into your apartment and is holding a gun.  (Priorities!!)
• Found a box of photos of your lover's ex-submissives, all tied up with who-knows what else might be going on in the picture?  Cool.  Don't get mad about it, just ask him to take pictures of you like that too so he can add you to the box.